http://sramforedael.tripod.com/boredom.jpg

This probably explains why I am the way I am, I have become a master at keeping myself amused.

Oh yeah, I decided to make this thing a friends only, because somewhere along the line, my journal went from PG rated to like, BDSM. So it's friends only now. If you like me, and like reading my journal, drop me a line, and I'll add you to my friends list, thanks!

I'm melting! Oh my goodness, I can't breath, it's just too hot. After college, I'm moving to antarctica to live with the penguins, thats what it comes down too. I wanna cry I'm so hot, and you can't escape it!!! It's so oppressive.

I finally decided what I wanted for my birthday today: a kiddie pool filled with ice water.

. . . . and I don't think I can take it,
'cause it took so long to bake it,
and I'll never have that recipe again,
oh no!!!

Yes, that's right, I built the MacArthur Park cake. I left my own birthday cake out in the rain. It's sad really. I'm doing my best not to care. All that sweet green icing, flowing down!!!!! I might just write that on my cake before I go to bed.

'I would like to dedicate this dance to my grandfather, who taught me these steps.'
'Aww, how sweet, where is your grandfather now?'
'No, he's in the back of our mini-bus.'

'Little Miss Sunshine' is the best movie ever. Hands down. This movie has allowed me to make a very important desicion regarding my funeral arragements: Wherever I'm living when I die, I'm going to make arragements with a funeral home on the other side of the country for my creamation, so that when I die, I can be driven across the country in the back of a Volkswagon mini-bus. I might decide to make things interesting and have them try to do it in three or fours days. But this is what I want.

Oh. And I got to wear a tiara today, it made me happy.

The food was good, but I've had better. So much for being a world-premeire chef, eh? Tang tang has so much more to offer.

Oh, and I've changed my name to Superfreak Frankenstein, ask my mother, Papaya Dog, she was there, she'll vouch for me.

Okay, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

So on monday, I turn 20 years old. Scary thought. Let's see, what have I learned in the last year. . ..
-Always pay your taxes on time.
-Walk lightly and carry a big stick.
-Braces suck ass.
-That a babies laughter and smile is something that you will live and die for.
-Bondage is fun.
-Midori inspired bondage is even more fun.
-54321 will save me.
-That whatever happens in Pittsburg stays in Pittsburg.
-If you are bored, you WILL find a way to amuse yourself, trust me, I'm an expert by now.
-Tequila is a beautiful thing. Strawberry margharitas are an even more beautiful thing.

What will I learn in the next year? That I cannot fly, no matter how hard I try? To actually pay my taxes by the 15th? Do pick a direction and go with it?

All unlikely, the next 369 days will determine that, now won't it?

It was an interesting week, to say the least. I vended with Josh at Dex-con, a gaming convention in central Jersey, we sold jewelry. I didn't make it to any games, I was either asleep or they got cancelled.
-Ummm, many many things to tell, had a good time, got hit on alot, it was kinda scary.
-Josh got me the Star Wars holiday special on DVD, and that made me sooooo happy.
-I put a down payment on a really pretty bracelet, it has black peacock pearls, it's sooo pretty.
-Met the Snackman, that was kinda scary. So what happened was me, Jillian, and Emily were sitting at the table, and Josh was standing behind me. And there was this guy wearing an Invader Zim t-shirt, and we were all like 'ZIM!!!!!' And this guy comes over and says 'I'm usually not this bold, but would any of you ladies be interested in some sex. The three of us were just sitting there staring at him, totally dumbfounded, I mean really, who asks that? But Josh misheard what the guy said, and thought he said 'I'm not usually this bold, but would any of you be interested in some snacks?' And Josh is wondering how it's bold to ask someone if they want snacks. When we got back to the room, we explained to him that he actually said sex and not snacks. It was pretty funny, and then we were fooling around, and I referred to us having sex as snacktime and things pretty much deteriorated from there, we were laughing pretty hard, it was great.

I know more than that happened, I just can't think of what, and I have to go use the bathroom, so I'm gonna go do that. Ta-ta for now!!!

What do you see when you look at a blank canvas? Just a piece of jessoed fabric on a wooden frame? Or do you see potential? And when you see that potential, what else do you see? Flowers? Sunsets? Naked virgins? Nuns in the woods? I am covered in paint, all different colors, blues and red, purples and greens, white and black and greys, because I saw potential. Two panels are partially finished and drying now. I dread to start working on my big canvas, because once I start, I will not be able to stop, and I do not know what will happen. Pray for me, keep your fingers crossed, knock on wood, because once I put the brush to the canvas, there will be no stopping.

I'm going to go clean up, and shower, and rest for a bit, tomorrow I'm going to start prepping my big canvas, so that when I get back, I can start working.

I have been almost sick to the point of throwing up my nerves have been so bad today. I have work today and sunday, I have lots to do tomorrow, and I'm going out of town next week, I feel like there won't be any time to just take a deep breathe and relax for a little bit. I remember back in high school, I was suppose to go to Zen Mountain Monastary for a little bit, maybe I'll look into that again, go up there and spend a week just meditating, taking time away from the world and focus on myself for a week. What a wonderful thing, to cleanse myself of this tension. I have so much to do this summer, hopefully I'll be able to pull it off, and if not this year, then maybe next year, maybe I'll treat myself for my 21st birthday, aah, who am I kidding, all I'm treating myself for on my twenty first birthday is a few strawberry margharitas, that'll relax me, lmao. But seriously, I'm gonna look into that, for breathing is a beautiful thing.

So, I am known for my body experiencing massive amounts of pain and discomfort this time of year due to the weather and the humidity, and I noticed that we didn't have any advil, so I decided to walk to the market and get some. Well, we all know what this means, don't we? It means a trip to Ivy Hill!!! Well, no, that's nothing to be excited about, so I grabbed my discman and waddled out to Ivy Plaza. I found my beloved advil, and then decided to go and look at the Russian food section, for there is a large slavic community in that area. Well, because of this slavic community, my particular market carries eastern european foods, little things like teas and cookies and chocolates. Among these things is this AMAZING chocolate bar, and I have made a tradition of getting one when I go there. So I was poking around and seeing what else they had, in case I wanted to try something new, and I happened upon 'Happy Hippo' treats, which is produced by a German company (dunno why it was in there, but it was), this particular company, Kinder, was a very integral part of my high school years, and gave me the oppertunity to father my snail-baby, Fuck, yes, you had to be there. Well, I am a Hippo, and Nik is a Hippo, so naturally, I had to buy these treats for us to share. There were five in a pack, so I ate one, just to see what it was like, and it was INCREDIBLE. They were like those ferraro-rochar chocolate truffle thingies, except instead of hazelnuts, it's got marshmallow, truely worth looking into. Sometimes it's just wonderful being a hippo, just so I can appreciate the good things in life all the more.

Wow, if I smoked, I'd have a cigarette right about now. My novel is getting so strange I'm freaking myself out, and they just got to Hell! Imagine what happens next? Even I don't know!!! This is great! I just put my pen to the page and write, it's great, I'd forgotten how much fun this is!!!

And so, terrified, she enrolls in a new school, in the big big city of new york, and begins making tenative steps towards the rest of her life, and desperately prays that somehow, she survives. . . . .




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And on a completely different, less terrifying note, I had sex in central park yesterday!

I just made the mistake of practicing footwork on the day I started ovulating, AND just after drinking alot of water, I feel ill. Blah.

But just for kicks, and the blonde in me, I'm going to go to it again! Because I'm just that stupid! YAY for stupid blonde moments!!!!!!

I have been sitting here, all day long, baking. and I had to wear a t-shirt and something that covered my back and my ass, because I have many many wonderful marks from my scenes last night, because it would be disasterous if someone saw them. So I had my tokyo shirt tucked in in front into my bra, and I wore a light skirt. But this day has been so hot, even the cat couldn't be bothered moving very far, and he has it worse then I do; he is covered in black fur.

So thus, I bake, for I am the first human to become a baked alaska.

It's 1:12 in the morning, do you know where your Liana is? Well, I'll tell you this, she's not in bed. 'Cause apparently, she doesn't sleep anymore.

I bought my Leather Pride Night ticket today! Now let's hope I get the apartment, because this will quite possibly be the big leather weekend for me this year! (Next year, Leather Retreat or bust!) But yeah, so I'm doing LPN saturday night, Folsom Street fair sunday afternoon, and post-LPN party hosted by Lolita and Boymeat, and I am going on the arm of my illustrious man, Josh. I AM SO EXCITED, AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT!!! ::dance dance dance::

And now, because I am filthy from work, I will go take a shower, then I will cook pasta for dinner with some bread, and I will watch a movie, what, I don't know, 'cause I can't think that far ahead.

Since when doesn't a video store carry 'The Shining', I ask you, really.

I know I'm posting alot, really, but I'm bored, and horny, mostly bored though, no wait, mostly horny, BUT THE POINT IS, I have nothing to do. So I'm posting. Again.

I find myself back at square one again, without really being at square one, this is very interesting, do I make a tape, and send it in, KNOWING I won't get in, or do I take the chance, and face the imminent rejection? There are entire voice courses and classes and seminars on dealing with rejection, and even as fabulous as I think I am, I am very easily discouraged, I cry alot when I get rejected, especially if it's something that I really really want. What if they write me a letter asking me what died in my throat? Telling me to give up the dream and become, gasp, a secretary! The thought mortifies me. Truely and utterly moritifies me. Those people are the gods, and while, no, I'm not trying out for the Metropolitan Opera House (yet), this is my dream school. The performance oppertunities are amazing, the chance to sing with an actual orchestra, and other people who share my passion for Mozart and Puccini and Verdi, what an amazing thought, and I feel locked away from my dream. You don't need a degree to get to the Met, but it certainly helps a great deal. But my theory sucks, and my GPA is even worse. I don't think people really understand when I tell them that my music is my life, I don't want to sing small roles and penny solos for the rest of my life, I want to plunk the wig on my head and don rings with gems the size of quails eggs on my fingers, I want to wear ancient gowns and sing 'Sono Andati', I want to fall in love with the Prince of Egypt as Aida, I want to die on stage in La Traviata.

What happened? When did I get away from all this? So do I bite the bullet, and send in the tape, knowing I won't get in, no matter how much I want this, or do I just start going to auditions and try to make my own way, studying theory from books and warming up on the subway? Perhaps I'll do that, and in time, make that tape, and send it to them, knowing that I won't get in, but knowing that at least I tried. Perhaps by then I'll have the confidence, but a singers belief in her voice is a fragile thing, so immensely fragile, and it hurts, it physically hurts to be told over and over again that no ones interested. I know I have a nice safety net in my studio and my community, but there are thousands of lyric sopranos out there in the world trying to make their own way, and that when I go to those auditions, I won't be protected or supported by anyone except myself and my voice.

I keep digressing.

I intend to go to school at the end of the year, and get the training I need, and then a steady job, working in a small theatre or at a department store or something, and then just go to auditions, do what I love without the pressure of depending on it for my income, after all, a girls gotta eat, needs a place to sleep, clothes to wear and shoes to walk in. My desperate drive to perform has never left me, it's always been there, always will be there, so I will slog to auditions and try to find a place to sing, make a few bucks, have some fun, maybe play against charactor a little bit, get some laughs, and make my living elsewhere. I certainly have the talent to go to auditions, and maybe even sing a set, I have the strength and am physically capable of doing it, but so are thousands of other lyric sopranos the world over.

But the question remains: Do I make up and a tape, and send it to Mannes, knowing I won't get in, or do I send the tape, get the rejection letter (with them naturally asking what died in my throat, and that they will gladly refund my registration fee if I never send something to them again), and know that at least I tried, and never sing again and die alone and naked in my bed making love to a bottle of gin? I dunno.

Someone else can decide! I'm leaving this up to the what, two, three people that read this journal, and anyone else out there who reads this thing that I don't know about: Is it to Conservatory or bust? You decide!

Would it kill me to send in an audition tape? I know I won't get in, but still, would it? I'm gonna go to a few auditions this summer, try to get working singing somewhere, try to find a chorus to sing with, my mother is going to talk to the guy at the Metropolitan opera house about getting me super work, just for stage experience. Otherwise I'm just working until I get to trade school.

But I digress.

Would it kill me to make a tape and send it in? I dunno. Anyone got any thoughts?

Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. . . . . .

I don't think I can do this, I've been working on mi chiamano mimi for almost three years now, and even though it's still a work in progress, I'm scared I won't be able to pull it off, I have difficulty at the end with the runs and getting all the right syllables in the right places, I know I'm gonna put too much weight in the middle during 'ma quando vien', I don't know how I'll remember to let the piano carry the weight, and I just don't think I can do this, but at the same time I've been dying to perform this for years now, but it still has a long way to go, and I still have 'In Der Fremde' which is exhausting in it's own right, it's so heavy and there's no place to take a chest breathe and then 'keepin out of mischief' is so deep and throaty, everything about that song is wild, it's great to sing, but you literally bring everything out of your abdominal cavity in that song. I don't know how I'm gonna pull this off, I just don't know, and now I'm just gonna run around like a decapitated chicken until I have to go to work.

This song makes me happy, yay for Prince!

Number 1 insult/comeback in high school for me and Sylvia in Commercial Art, started by Shark Attack: Maybe you're just like your mother, she's never satisfied, why do you scream at eachother? This is what is sounds like when doves cry.

Oh shit son, I'm gonna try and bring that back, whose with me?!?!

I have to go and get my eyebrows waxed, because plucking them is an incrediblley painful process, and I'd rather fork over the 6 bucks to have my little Korean woman do it for me, she's my hero. Although I always get these barbie doll eye brows when I go, but that's fine cause I look GOOD with barbie doll eye brows, and then I'm coming home and my mother is going to terrorize me until I have to go to work, and then I'll work a four hour shift, and then I'm coming home and painting my toe nails bright blue, and possibly my finger nails as well, I haven't decided yet.

And now, I go and get my eye brows done!!!

La la la la la la la means I love you!!! Okay, love you, bye bye!!!

So today I had THE most exhausting voice lesson of my life. I'm singing 'In Der Fremde' by Schumann, 'Keepin' out of mischeif' by I don't know who, and my crowning achievement, 'Mi Chiamano Mimi' by Giacomo Puccini. I am exhausted, because not all that much oxygen got to my brain, but that's okay, because I had a kickass voice lesson. And Sunday I'll have an amazing recital!!! YAY FOR RECITALS!!!!